Business Idea: Mark Morford's "Porncasting" is the funniest and best business idea I have heard for quite a while

I am the first. At least, I am the first I know of to think of this idea at this very moment in time in this exact space which you are right now reading, given how I’m quite sure the very minute Apple announced their sexy delicious new video-capable iPod roughly five million people and most of them men simultaneously thought of it too.

No matter. I shall henceforth argue that I was one of the first to think of turning my genius iPod porn idea into an instant company, writing up a business plan and hiring a programmer and a team of lawyers and investing a wad of someone else’s VC cash into renting out a stack of servers and outsourcing my tech support from Bangalore, India, because, oh my God, the idea is just right there, ripe and waiting and I could sure use the millions of dollars I would surely make in one single month.

IPod porn. The time has come. The idea is brilliantly, geniusly simple. […] Porn is the answer. Porn will make it all happen. I only want my $50 mil finder’s fee.

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I know it will work. The precedents are all in place. You already know how sex and porn drove much of the innovation and evolution of the Internet itself, yes? The porn industry, more than Napster and more than online gaming and more than Amazon and more than AOL’s gay NASCAR fan chat rooms, made the Internet what you lust after today.

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Oh, do not mention screen size. Do not dare suggest men will balk at watching hot sex on such a tiny display. It has been proven over five million years of intensive study that men can become aroused at sexual images the size of a speck of dust from 50 feet away. You know it’s true.

Men can produce lust for blurry black-and-white postage-stamp photos of seminaked females taken in 1966. Men can become aroused looking at a nipple-shaped amoeba through a microscope. Hell, we get turned on by cool hubcaps. Trust me when I say the iPod’s screen will be more than sufficient. As for women, well, what the iPod screen lacks in scale, it makes up for in sensual, tactile design. After all, it’s not size, it’s how you use it. Right? Right?

So why am I telling you all this? Why share my Genius Idea with the world? Well, because I can’t do it. I have not the means. What’s more, despite my rampant and ongoing pro-sex attitude, I am not exactly eager to yoke my soul to the greasy lowbrow porn machine. What will my parents think? Who will save the children? What happens when I run for political office? Plus, I’m way too busy procrastinating on writing a novel.

So then, I am offering to give my Genius Idea away, to you, to anyone who wants it, as a boon to the world, as an offering to the pro-sex gods (I will, however, accept any sort of seven-figure finder’s fee when you become a millionaire from my idea).

Porncasting is now. Porncasting is a must. After all, someone has to counter the scary prospect of all those video iPod religious sermons. Shudder.